ICE CREAM MAN: 1 STAR. “as much fun as an ice cream scoop with no sprinkles.”
SYNOPSIS: In “Ice Cream Man,” a bloody new horror film from director Eli Roth, a mysterious ice cream man’s sweet treats turn the neighborhood kids into homicidal freaks. “They’re not trying to kill us. They’re trying to turn us.”
CAST: Ari Millen, Charlie Zeltzer, Shiloh O’Reilly, Kiori Mirza Waldman, Sarah Abbott, Benjamin Byron Davis. Directed by Eli Roth.
REVIEW: In Van Halen‘s 1978 recording of “Ice Cream Man” David Lee Roth promises that “all my flavors are guaranteed to satisfy.” Eli Roth can make no such promise because his film “Ice Cream Man” is the most flavorless horror film to hit screens in ages.
Set in the sun dappled Norman Rockwell-esque town of Bayleen Bay, the movie’s grim and gory tale begins when a mysterious ice cream truck comes to town. Run by a scooper (Canadian actor Ari Millen) with a devilish grin, the truck’s icy delicacies, like Creepy Crawly and Serpent’s Swirl, become an instant hit with the town’s kids. “You guys see that weird ice cream man today?”
But the truck is serving more than single and double scoops. The icy delights come with a side of evil that turns the local kids into homicidal maniacs. “That ice cream is demonic.”
As a handful of uninfected kids attempt to discover secret of the ice cream vendor’s deadly delights, the crazy kids set their eyes on their parents and neighbors.
No amount of spurting blood or intestinal tug ‘o war can cover up “Ice Cream Man’s” one-dimensional storytelling, dull characters, uninspired villain and the spit-in-the-viewer’s-face ending.
There’s plenty of plasma on display but there’s nothing as inventive or squirmy as Roth’s staging of “Cabin Fever’s” nightmarish skin infection/leg shaving scene. Unforgettable and original, that sequence, with its vivid depiction of bloody, deteriorating skin, set a high bar that “Ice Cream Man” doesn’t touch.
The idea of evil children slaughtering authority figures should be ripe territory for thematic discovery, but Roth only goes skin deep, literally, treating the kids as rampaging plot devices and little more. They gleefully do terrible things, courtesy of old school prosthetic makeup effects by Steve Newburn and Oscar winner Adrien Morot, but because we don’t really care about the underwritten, forgettable characters, the effects are merely gross, not scary or emotionally affecting.
Almost completely unencumbered by tension, “Ice Cream Man” is as much fun as an ice cream scoop with no sprinkles.
