“Vampires Suck” asks the question: If you go see a comedy and nobody laughs, can it still be called a comedy? The latest in a long string of parody movies—including “Epic Movie” and “Disaster Movie”—from writers-turned-directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, takes on their easiest target yet, the “Twilight” films, and botches it completely. This is the kind of bad movie that gives other bad movies a bad name.
Using the first two “Twilight” films for fodder “Vampires Suck” tells a story that will be familiar to Twihards. Becca Crane (newcomer Jenn Proske) is a brooding teenager involved in a supernatural love triangle with vampire Edward Sullen (“90210’s” Matt Lanter) and werewolf (although he never actually transforms into a werewolf; he turns into a Chihuahua instead. Insert Taco Bell joke here.) Jacob White (Gossip Girl’s Chris Riggi). The movie climaxes at a Vampire themed high school prom and a showdown between Team Edward, Team Jacob and the Volturi.
Any movie with the word “suck” in the title is really asking for it, but “Vampires Suck” earns every bad review it is going to receive. Filled to bursting with bad puns—“Once you go bat, you never go back”—and even worse jokes—when the vampires attack a Chinese food delivery guy Becca is told that they’ll get hungry again in half and hour—the movie has five punch lines every minute, too bad none of them land. The Chinese food gag was old when Don Rickles told it on the stage of The Sands in 1956 and my eight year old nieces could come up with more clever puns than changing the name of Forks, Washington to Sporks.
Supremely unfunny though the script may be it should be noted that the filmmakers (oh, it irks me to use that word in reference to Friedberg and Seltzer) did a good job of recreating the look of the “Twilight” films and, in Proske, found an actress more than capable of mimicking the hair twirling, mumbling and teen angst that made Kristen Stewart famous. Too bad they waste the genuinely funny people in the cast like Deidrich Bader, Dave Foley and Ken “The Hangover” Jeong.
The only thing “Vampires Suck” gets right is the title. Technically vampires do suck, and so does this movie. Truth in advertising.